I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
