If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
