We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
