i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
