my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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