you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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