you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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