I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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