Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
