pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
They have beer where we have blood.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
