my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
