Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
