i just google imaged poop.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
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On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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