I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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