I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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