Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
