I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
