im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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