You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
