I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
In America we eat man semen.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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