i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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