nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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