I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
