I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
