I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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