Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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