Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
