Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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