So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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