dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
