i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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