I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
