Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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