dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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