i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
