Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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