I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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