At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
