halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
