I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i now understand why vodka
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
