Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
