At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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