Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
