Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
