Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you inspire me to be a worse person
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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