She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
