it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
