Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
