i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
