On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
