the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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