I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
