You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
