That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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