he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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